Tag Archives: satire

Nation Down To Last Hundred Grown-Ups | The Onion

Great satirical article from “The Onion”, of course….

Please click the link at the bottom to read the entire article.

It’s worth it….

SUITLAND, MD—According to alarming new figures released Monday by the U.S. Census Bureau, the nation’s population of mature adults has been pushed to the brink of extinction, with only 104 grown-ups remaining in the country today.

The endangered demographic, which is projected to die out completely by 2060, is reportedly distinguished from other groups by numerous unique traits, including foresight, rationality, understanding of how to obtain and pay for a mortgage, personal responsibility, and the ability to enter a store without immediately purchasing whatever items they see and desire.

“Our grown-ups are disappearing at a much faster rate than we previously believed,” said Census Bureau chief Robert M. Groves, who believes the decline in responsible adults may now be irreversible. “Unfortunately, we’ve only recently noticed this terrible trend, perhaps because of this group’s unusual capacity to endure hardships with quiet dignity instead of whining loudly to draw attention to themselves.”

“If nothing is done, these wondrous individuals, with their special ability to consider the long-term consequences of their own behavior and act accordingly, will be wiped-out completely,” Groves added.

According to recent data, the grown-up population has plummeted dramatically since 1950, when a Census count found that more than 24 million Americans could both admit when they were wrong and respect a viewpoint other than their own. Today, only one in three million citizens can provide thoughtful advice to a fellow human being instead of immediately shifting the topic to their own personal issues or what they had for lunch.

Experts confirmed the mass extinction of grown-ups has coincided with the rapid expansion of other demographic groups, including people who seek medication for every problem they encounter, 33-year-olds who participate in organized kickball leagues, personal injury litigants, and parents who try to become friends with their own children.

MORE:   Nation Down To Last Hundred Grown-Ups | The Onion – America’s Finest News Source.

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“The Onion” is Closing Down…

April Fool!  Thank god!

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And I will miss them…

They were a great satirical website and newspaper….

But the world has gotten so crazy- especially in Washington- it was sometimes hard to differentiate their satire from reality…

From Eric Francis at Planet Waves:

It’s true. The Onion is closing down. The venerated website and newspaper founded in 1988 as an advertising sheet, is calling it quits.

Typical cover of The Onion’s internet edition. Shown lower left is the video frame. In recent years, the comedy newspaper has been over-dependent on video to compensate for less-than-sataisfactory writing, according to some media theorists. Image © 2011 by Planet Waves.

“That’s a fact,” said editor Joe Randazzo, who will be taking a job as humor editor of the Christian Science Monitor, his grandfather’s favorite newspaper. “We felt that we were past our glory days. You know, we didn’t want to be recording the same album over and over again, like the Beach Boys.”

Randazzo said he thought of himself more as The Beatles, “Who knew when to get out of the game. They did great things, built a legacy, and let it speak for itself.”

He said that if the Beatles were together today, “Nobody would even care. It’s because they broke up that we love them. So, see ya.”

via Astrology, Horoscopes, Monthly Horoscopes, Weekly Horoscopes, Daily Astrology Blog, | The Onion: After 27 Years, Says Enough Already | Daily Astrology & Adventure by Eric Francis.

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