My Grown Up Christmas List

People tell me I am impossible to buy for at Christmas time, so I thought I would make it easier for them this year.

Here is my Grown Up Christmas List.  I don’t mean that smaltzy song about no more wars, no more people torn apart, etc.  I’m not that optimistic, so I’ll set my sights a little lower…

I have more than enough “stuff”, so here is what I really want….

If you can’t get it all now, I’m patient.

My Birthday is in October…

1. That I win the Powerball lottery.  I’m not greedy, but it would be nice if the Jackpot was more than$50MM.
2. For there to be a retro revival among today’s youth making Audrey Hepburn, Grace Kelly, Katharine Hepburn, Lena Horne, Bette Davis, Humphrey Bogart, Cary Grant, Sidney Poitier, Paul Newman and Steve McQueen Role Models again.
3. For all religious Colleges and Universities to go out of business so their “students” would have to deal with the real world and a diversity of opinions and backgrounds while getting a real education.
4. A return to the concepts of personal honor, responsibility and dignity.
5. Manners.  Good manners…..
6. The understanding that it is preferable to look and act like Ladies and Gentlemen rather than Goths, Pimps, Bigots, Braggards, Thugs, Slackards, Bikers and ‘Ho’s…
7. That Occupy Wall Street comes roaring back to life in the Spring and is the major force in the 2012 elections.
8. The abolition of all MBA programs and a renewed focus on Liberal Arts Educations that teach people to think, not manipulate numbers for personal gain.
9. A decent nation-wide passenger train service so we can avoid our horrible airlines.
10. That Virgin Atlantic airways takes over the entire US Airline industry and shows them how to do it right.
11. The understanding that some countries do some things better than we do and that it’s okay to learn from that…
12. The return of the Preppie Look that was so popular in my youth. We really did look cute….
13. Laws mandating technology that Telephones and mobile devices will shut down while a motor vehicle engine is running or the person is in a Theatre or Concert Hall.
14. For people to finally realize and accept that Marriage is, in actuality, only a legal contract between two people, regardless of their sex, that conveys certain public and private protections and obligations and that has nothing to do with religion.  Therefore, it’s not any one else’s goddamn business but those two people so contracted.
15. If we can’t legalize Gay Marriage, let’s criminalize Straight Divorce.  I’m not above revenge….
16. That people realize there is no longer any such thing as a Country Club, fiscally responsible, socially liberal Republican.
17. That someone can logically explain to me why people who think they are such good Christians and moral arbitrators will vote for a  man who abandoned his first wife in the hospital for his mistress, then had an affair on wife number 2, said mistress,  with the latest Mrs Gingrich, but still claims to support a “no adultery” pledge.
18. Someone to prove to me that Mitt Romney is real and isn’t just a big robotic Ken Doll- made in China, of course.
19. For all the Crocs factories to go out of business and all existing crocs to spontaneously combust.
20. Public funding of all US Elections and the abolition of private and corporate donations to political candidates.
21. A Constitutional amendment that Corporations are not People and that Money is not Free Speech.
22. The instant revocation of the tax exempt status of any religious institution of any kind that dabbles in politics by telling people how to vote.
23. For people to realize, once and for all that it was deregulation and primarily the policies of the George W Bush Administration that ruined our economy and caused the deficit.
24. That some of the Wall Street “leaders” who helped cause the economic crash actually be held accountable and go to jail.
25. That people realize we have to invest in the future to grow out of the deficit.
26. While we are at it, that people finally realize George W Bush and Dick Cheney are War Criminals and they are prosecuted as such.
27. Fox News goes bankrupt and shuts down.
28. Legislation that states “opinion” journalism must be so identified on TV with a border of flashing red lights and tap dancing pigs so people will know the difference between reporting and propaganda.
29. Legislation that all company profits, over a certain percent,  must be reinvested in growing the company and creating jobs, not just sat upon or used for Executive Salaries.
30. All Corporate lobbying expenditures must be matched equally with taxes -paid dollar to dollar, no loopholes.
31. Legislation that no company employee may make  salary more than X percentage more than the lowest paid employee.
32. Permanent incarceration, in solitary confinement, of anyone named Khardashian.
33. The Cancellation of “Jersey Shore”.
34. A committee, headed by and with veto power held by me, to be created to determine who is an actual “Star” and who is just trash after some cash.
35. If the GOP wants people to pee in a cup for a check, then all politicians should do the same.
36. An IQ test and threshold to run for Public Office.
37. That all my friends from the past years, who meant so much to me, would join Facebook so I could find them and be in touch again.
38. That people would exercise some control over how many silly pet pictures with captions they post on Facebook.  An occasional one is  cute, but too many, especially as we grow older,  makes one fear they are becoming pet hoarders or otherwise demented.
39. That everyone had a full length mirror in their home and looked at it long, hard and critically before going out in public.
40. Effective Mass transportation in all cities with more than 50,000 people.
41. Renewed focus on planning, creating, saving and building for the future instead of shopping for useless crap to own now.
42. Renewed focus on the concept of Quality over Quantity.
43. Legislation prohibiting any more Broadway Musicals based on relatively recent movies.
44. That television shows must be at least as long as the total air time of their commercials.
45. Regular, heavily discounted airline fares between all US  airports and London and Paris.
46. Requirements that all school districts fund Senior and Junior High School Cultural Exchange Learning trips abroad for all students.  You may raise my taxes for this….
47. For people in the South to realize the Republican Party is using you and not working for your interests….
48. For the Tea Party People to finally admit they are just bigots who hate President Obama because he is Black….
49. That 2012 brings us an election resulting in a Democratic President, Senate and House.  At least, something positive might get done…
50. That the Tea Party is dead and gone.
51. For people not to argue about the “War on Christmas” or what holidays and traditions should be recognized, but to just shut up and enjoy a season of good will and sharing time-and cocktails- with friends.
52. Respect that we share many Holidays and Traditions in December- and at other times-with many people who may not believe as we do- and that’s okay.

If you do celebrate Christmas, I ask you to take this time to think  not just about Jesus’s birth but about his life and what he stood for- helping the poor, feeding the hungry, loving your neighbor- and see how you can emulate these Christian behaviors throughout the coming year.

Let’s try to keep this in mind instead of judging and trying to force your beliefs on others throughout the year….

That’s my job.