These have been kicking around the internet for years…
I’m not sure who originally wrote them….
Reading them is one of my favorite Holiday Traditions, so I’m reprinting them here in case anyone else wants to share…
Barbie’s Christmas Letter
Listen, you troll, I’ve been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT’S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I’m gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won’t wanna be around to smell it).
So, here’s my holiday wish list, Santa:
1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I’m sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro crawling up your butt?
2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin?!? It looks like cellulite!
3. A REAL man…maybe GI Joe. Hell, I’d take Tickle-Me Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a boyfriend Ken. And what’s with that earring anyway? If I’m gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct.
4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.
5. Breast reduction surgery. I don’t care whose arm you have to twist, just get it done.
6. A jog bra. To wear until I get the surgery.
7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don’t cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, an advertising account exec!
8. A new, more modern persona. Maybe “PMS Barbie”, complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; “Animal Rights Barbie”, with my very own pain gun, outfitted with a fake fur coat and handcuffs; or “Stop Smoking Barbie”, sporting a removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.
9. No more McDonald’s endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.
10. Mattel stock options. It’s been 47 years — I think I deserve it.
OK, Santa, that’s it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don’t think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bimbo doll for next Christmas. It’s that simple.
And Ken’s Response:
Ken’s Christmas Letter
I understand that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and career changes. In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were made about me, my ability to please, and some of my fashion choices. I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of some of the issues concerning Ms. Barbie, and some of my own needs and desires.
First of all, I along with several other colleagues feel Barbie DOES NOT deserve preferential treatment — the bitch has everything. I, along with Joe, Jem, Raggedy Ann & Andy, DO NOT have a dream house, Corvette, evening gowns, and in some cases, the ability to change our hair style. I personally have only 3 outfits which I am forced to mix and match at great length. My decision to accessorize my outfits with an earring was my decision and reflects my lifestyle choice.
I too would like a change in career. Have you ever considered “Decorator Ken”, “Beauty Salon Ken”, or “Out of work Actor Ken”? In addition there are several other avenues which could be considered such as: “S & M Ken”, “Green Lantern Ken”, “Circuit Ken”, “Bear Ken”, “Master Ken” These would more accurately reflect my desires and perhaps open up new markets. And as for Barbie needing bendable arms so she can “push me away”, I need bendable knees so I can kick the bitch to the curb. Bendable knees would also be helpful for me in other situations — we’ve talked about this issue before.
In closing, I would like to point out that any further concessions to the blonde bimbo from hell will result in action be taken by myself and others.
And Barbie can forget about having GI Joe – he’s mine; at least that’s what he said last night in bed.
My Grown Up Christmas List
People tell me I am impossible to buy for at Christmas time, so I thought I would make it easier for them this year.
Here is my Grown Up Christmas List. I don’t mean that smaltzy song about no more wars, no more people torn apart, etc. I’m not that optimistic, so I’ll set my sights a little lower…
I have more than enough “stuff”, so here is what I really want….
If you can’t get it all now, I’m patient.
My Birthday is in October…
If you do celebrate Christmas, I ask you to take this time to think not just about Jesus’s birth but about his life and what he stood for- helping the poor, feeding the hungry, loving your neighbor- and see how you can emulate these Christian behaviors throughout the coming year.
Let’s try to keep this in mind instead of judging and trying to force your beliefs on others throughout the year….
That’s my job.
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