Okay. This is going to be a rant…and I have the feeling only one of many. I’ve been visiting my hometown of Danville, Virginia. I haven’t posted as much lately as I’ve been tied up working with my sister to manage my Mother’s transition to Assisted Living. That’s yet another future post. But, this means I have had to spend much more time in Danville than I have in the last 30 years. From what I have experienced so far, I have never been more aware of living in an upper-middle class, well-educated, liberal bubble in Greensboro than I am at this moment. Greensboro is not perfect by any means, but it sure has Danville– and most other cities I know– beat.
Thomas Wolfe was right. You can’t go home again. And if you can, and you are from Danville, Va, you shouldn’t want to once you see it as it is today. I remember coming home from College and my uncle telling me: “You used to be one of us, but you aren’t anymore”. I took- and take-that as a compliment.
What amazes me, as a History major, is that 150 years ago, Danville and Greensboro were the same size towns. Both dependent on tobacco and textiles. The difference that I see is that Greensboro has always looked to the future and the outside world, whereas Danville has always been about maintaining the status quo and looking to the past. Also, the Mill Owners in Greensboro looked outward and tried to improve the community while the Mill Owners in Danville sought to use prejudice to keep folks in line and maintain things as they were-for their own profit.
Greensboro values Education and is the home to numerous Colleges and Universities- UNC-G, NC A&T, Bennett College, Guilford College, Greensboro College, GTCC. Danville has Averett and DCC. Greensboro had the influence of the Quakers and other thoughtful denominations. Danville is a hot bed of religious fundamentalism.
Greensboro has thrived on the forces of knowledge and religious and social tolerance. Danville has closed itself off in ignorance and religious self-righteousness. Danville is also known as the “City of Churches. They have so many because they are always have inter-congregational battles and splitting off to start new ones. I’ve lived a lot of places and I’ve never been anywhere where people spent so much time gossiping about and judging other people. As Jeannie C Reilly once sang, “well this is just a little Peyton Place…” Harper Valley PTA always makes me think of Danville…
Danville has never looked forward– only backwards –to it’s glory days as the Last Capital of the Confederacy, and that “fact” is arguable. For a few days Jefferson Davis hid out in Danville. Or as they would say, “heroically established a provisional government” , as he was being pursued by the Union Army in the last days of the Civil War. Danville has used this as their claim to fame ever since…
Once Danville was one of the worlds biggest tobacco markets. It used to claim to be the “Worlds Best Tobacco Market”. Dan River Inc was one of the premier textile companies. But Dan River Inc was destroyed by NAFTA– which the short-sighted Danvillians supported with their votes to the then Republican Congress that passed that treaty. God knows, tobacco is no longer a force in US agriculture. But they never planned for this eventuality.
Danville is also losing it’s beauty and character. It was once a very pretty little town. Now they are tearing down the old Mills to sell the bricks and floor planking for scrap. New chain stores are springing up every where and look like what you see in every other town. The local businesses and some once excellent local restaurants are disappearing. I have never seen so many ugly aluminum shell buildings and bad architecture as I see driving up Piney Forest Road.
If you want to conduct a case study of how big box stores, profit hungry corporations and short-sighted leadership destroyed a town, look no farther than Danville, VA.
This does make me sad. I knew I would never stay there, but I hate to see what was once a pretty nice little town become a homogenized, isolated mess. I wonder where the decent jobs are now. How can people live as well as we once did? I fear they are also losing their future as the kids go off to school and can’t or won’t come back. Just like I did…
What is still fashionable in Danville? Prejudice. I have never heard so many blatantly sexist and racist remarks as I have heard since I’ve been traveling back there. When I went to my mother’s bank and they typed up some forms on an IBM Selectric Typewriter with Carbons, as in Carbon Paper, I knew I was in a time warp in the technological sense. It seems it is also in a time warp socially. They seem to have missed all the major social movements since 1963. They even seem to be working on getting back to segregation as most of the white money has moved to the County, the other whites go to religious schools and have left the public schools mostly to the African-American population. This is a town that thrives on walls and fences. People there only want to socialize and work with people as much like themselves as possible. Diversity is a dirty world in Danville.
This does help me understand why Danville is mentioned so much in stories about the Tea Party. They think it’s still 1776.
I know there are still some great people in Danville. Some of them are my friends. Sorry if this offends them, but I call it as I see it…
Enough for now. I just had to vent…
Lost in the 21st Century 
My Advice On Relationships
I thought I might share some of my thoughts on relationships. I’m going to try to keep this at a PG-13 level and this advice is not intended for novices. I did not settle down until I was in my late 30’s and have been in a successful relationship for the last 13 years. Therefore, I think I can speak with some degree of authority. I thought it might help to share my “wisdom” with some of you who may still be playing in the minefields of dating.
If you are young and just starting out, this is not for you. My advice to you is to make your own mistakes and learn your own lessons. If you still think some enchanted evening, you may meet a stranger across a crowed room, etc. You are starting where I started. And that did kind of happened for me. It just took 30 some years for me to meet Steve at a Gallery fundraising event. And a couple of more years before we really connected for good. Good for you if it happens sooner. However, it is very rare for this to happen early in the game. Some of us have many and varied lessons to learn for ourselves on our journey before we are ready for Mr or Ms Right. These are merely the lessons I learned myself along the way to that “Some Enchanted Evening”.
First of all, some people will tell you every relationship is unique and/or there are many types of relationships. This is not true. I found you could– and should– determine pretty early on which of three primary categories into which a relationship might fall. These categories are:
Correctly classifying new relationships is key to managing your relationships successfully and avoiding drama and unnecessary heartbreak ,on either side, as things progress.
The first category “People you sleep with” can be tricky. These are usually people you are wildly attracted to, but who are totally inappropriate for either long-term relationships or, perhaps, public knowledge or co-mingling with your friends. Face it, you really shouldn’t be messing with these people in the first place. These relationships can be lots of fun, for a while, but you have to keep your perspective. You know these people may be gorgeous, amusing and fun, but you know, deep down inside, you really have nothing in common with them. Deep down inside you also may know, or suspect, that you don’t share the same values, interests or intellect. Proceed with caution here and never let your heart, or lower regions, confuse your brain. These are the most limited types of relationships and must be recognized as such.
The second category is more problematic. “People you date” are people who you could possibly move to the later category of “People you marry”, but you have to observe them very closely. Sometimes these relationships are of a time and place– High School and College romances are frequent examples. This category also includes gay men dating straight women- or vice versa- while they work things out as to who they really are. This category usually also includes workaholics, who value career above all else, and are thus not marriage material. Sometimes this category includes people who see you as part of category 1, but whom you have incorrectly classified due to insufficient initial information. If this progression from Category 1 to Category 2 occurs for you both, good for you. That is also rare. Overall, Category 2 is a category for temporary relationships where one or both parties knows or suspects it will not be a “forever” thing. Relationships in this category may be very rewarding and may last a long time– years in some cases– but they ultimately cannot last and will not result in a committed relationship. While these relationships can be great fun socially, you must manage expectations so that it does not result in unfairness or hurt to either party. Be careful here…
The third category, “People you marry”, is the rarest and most hard to find acceptable people to populate. To be in this category, both parties must be able to envision spending the rest of their lives together and building a life and a home together. This takes a very different skill set from the previous categories. You normally progress to this category from category 2, but seldom directly from category 1. You need stringent qualifications that must be met to put someone in this category. You must never, ever compromise.
My partner, Steve, is fond of saying that, when we met, he had three minimum qualifications for this category:
These requirements are a very good place to start. Of course, I passed the test for him as he did for me. If you want to build a life with someone, you must be practical and think things through because in these relationships, the stakes are higher as you will ultimately share finances, property, pets and perhaps, children.
Most importantly, for this category, you must share common values and interests. You have to be able to talk to each other about anything. You must be able to be honest with each other and to trust each other completely. You can’t be walking on egg shells or in fear of discussing important topics. You must be sure they have a strength of character that will get you through both good and bad times together. They must understand the word “commitment” and be willing to work on your relationship every day by making your thoughts and feelings part of their every decision making process. You have to have mutual respect. With this foundation, you can move forward.
In any event, the most important thing is to follow your heart, but never ignore your head. Sex and infatuation are wonderful, but must be recognized as such. They don’t last forever in their original form. They mutate over time.
You also have to recognize that people don’t really change and you certainly can’t change them, so be sure you know what you are getting and categorize accordingly. Then determine how to proceed.
As the old saying goes, you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince. But I think there really is a prince- or princess- out there for each of us. You just find them when the time is right– usually when you least expect it.
Take this advice for what it’s worth. This is how I saw the dating game and what I learned along the way. It worked for me and I hope it might help others still out there in the trenches.
It’s better advice than you’ll get watching “Sex in the City”….
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